The past few weeks, time has felt just “out of reach”. A while back the Holy Spirit was teaching me what “God’s Time” looked like… He took me very deep and very far mentally. I began to erase e-mails that were dragging my attention, I would not “set an alarm” for anything, I would go where He sent me and I didn’t confirm plans or appointments. To many, this seemed a bit strange. For me, it was the most freeing I have ever felt. Some people minded, and some people didn’t mind. Some people criticized and other people inquired. It showed me that humans are truly in different places, at the SAME time, but perhaps on the time of our watches or schedule and not on GOD’s time. Our “own time” that none of us truly OWN.

It IS in fact, HIS time. HIS story. We just…created a clock and created a calendar and here we all go– making a schedule that gets packed with “appointments” and sometimes nothing goes “as planned”.

Survival mode is a system that most creatures seem to be living on, but as humans we were created to walk and talk with God and take dominion of the earth…to thrive, not survive.

While I was going through this learning process, the years that have followed seemed to have taken me by the hand and pulled me far from that simplicity and the beautiful peace I had discovered. I hadn’t remembered having a peace like that ever– and I do miss that space lately.

The starting over again. The breakup and heartache. The changes in my family. The professional job changes. The launching this business change — it all has very much pulled me from the deep breathing of “God’s time”. It has placed anxiety back in my soul and hoping I don’t disappoint someone, mostly myself lol, by the end of the day. However, in learning about God’s time — a day is like a thousand years. In reality, we do go to sleep; however, scripture says God never sleeps. He is continuous — He was there for my ancestors the same as He is here for me and will be here for my child and the next generation after. He will be here until Jesus comes to Reign on Earth for all eternity. Glory to the Kingdom of Heaven and our Lord God forever.

Finite brains cannot fully grasp an “infinite” God. The book of Job describes this best when God asks him, did YOUR hands lay out the stars in the heavens. Poor Job, I bet he felt so small. And scripture then also reminds us to look at the ants and watch how they work– ants are busy busy!! And so are we. I watched a video the other day and it showed all these humans on a beach and something happened, and they all scattered– like ants. We truly are small in the scheme of the larger picture, but sometimes our perspective gets distorted based on the vantage point. My mom would always say, a higher perspective gives a better look.

Lately I have felt so low. So overburdened. So disheartened and…fully depending on the grace of God. That is a good place to be in, but my body is physically tired. My chest is tight. My vision sometimes blurs and the anxiety makes my ears ring. I do pray. I do still try to just wake up with the best attitude I can, but something within me has shifted out from the peace I had years ago. I feel robbed of something that was “mine”. Perhaps not truly “mine” but something GOD gifted to me to experience. I hope to uncover that gift again. I do hope that I can help others uncover that gift. It almost feels like my brain and heart know, but my body has not caught up yet. Like I got in a wreck and I’m healing from unknown injuries and wondering when I can be healthy again to live the best life God has blessed me with. Wondering when the storm ceases by the Mighty Voice of Messiah. I desire that season to be an enduring life, but maybe on this side of all the world events and traumas everyone is experiencing, my little empathy of a blip of life just feels it all. The false systems we trap ourselves in, the striving to “be something” placed upon us, and the expectations of something more than just breathing and feeling the sun on our skin, the “more” we strive for outside of contentment. I fall into this a lot when in survival mode.

Adam and Eve had to “survive” once falling from the garden. In the garden, they didn’t have to ask what they should eat or what they should drink– it was plentiful. God provided. Once fallen, they asked themselves, “how do I provide myself a fig leaf to cover up with”. And from there humanity keeps covering.

The earth, the soil itself, does not like to be bare naked. If a patch of soil is bare, some bird will come along and poop some seed into it to make something grow– or an animal will knock into a seeding grass that will disperse upon the naked. And new life takes shape. Something will begin to grow again.

“Even broken hearts can grow roots again” Is a quote I recently wrote down. One should examine what are you rooting in? Good dirt, bad dirt, rocks, what it truly is around you is what makes one thrive or fall. I hope to examine these things over the next few days and hope to reset within.